In the Western World from the Middle Ages to the Victorian Era, everyone would talk about death and dead people. They would dress in clothes that showed that a loved one died, take photographs of the dead person, and use the dead person’s hair to make jewelry and art. In the early 1900s, a very famous doctor named Sigmund Freud wrote a book about mourning, or sadness after someone dies. He did not think people should talk about dead people as much. After this, society was much quieter about death and talking about the person who died. This is called ‘breaking bonds.’ Later, a psychologist named John Bowlby said the same thing about relationships with the dead.

It was eighty years before people regularly spoke about dead people again. This is called ‘continuing bonds.’ In continuing bonds, people can still talk about and to the person who died. They can keep a relationship with the person, but differently. These bonds can help or harm people. The ones that help are called ‘internal bonds’ while the ones that hurt ‘external bonds.’

External bonds can be a problem for people who are grieving. People may hallucinate, which is seeing or hearing the person who died. They may also have things called ‘linking objects’ which are items that are tied to the dead. Many objects people keep are not dangerous, but these objects are an issue because they are things like whole closets of clothing. The person who is grieving does not accept that the person who owned those objects is dead and expects them to come back and need them. Mourners do not stop wanting the person which can be emotional. They are unable to finish active mourning.

Internal bonds are healthy. They help people cope, or adjust to loss. These mourners know their loved ones are dead and have positive memories of them. They may be able to see them as role models, or people who they want to be like. They can think that the dead can have a say in events or adopt the beliefs of the dead into their own lives. While they keep items that belonged to the person who died, they are just memorabilia, or things that help people remember others. Having internal bonds help people have lower amounts of trauma related to the death, and they can grow through the mourning process.

To have continuing bonds, people must continue a relationship with the dead. One way of communication that may not occur with all mourners is a ‘sense of presence’ – with this, people have contact with the dead. Hallucinations or illusions can be negative, but there can also be positive presence in absence situations. These feel real to the person who is grieving, but they may not tell others that this happens because they do not want to be judged. Even if they do not tell anyone, they can still have good experiences that help the person as they move from having a living loved one to a dead one.

Some people might want to experience a loved one after their death and are upset that they do not. Some see the loved one as a guardian angel. This is a comforting presence and very positive. Any sense of presence can go badly, and studies say that bad outcomes are more common than good ones. People helping the grieving might push the person in a positive direction so they can begin the positive process of developing continuing bonds.

Lastly, when people adapt to loss, they should create a view of the dead in their heads and a strong realization of the death. They are comforted by this new relationship. They can create meaning from the loss. If they cannot make sense of the loss, they cannot adapt. To adapt, people must grow mentally after the death and find a new place in the world. Examples of this growth are developing empathy, realizing they too will die, and making spiritual changes. People who have internal bonds can do this but people with external bonds cannot.

Death can deeply affect how grievers see their lives, and this can make adapting hard. If people do not adapt, they may feel like their sadness will never end. To help, people can get advice, rebuild their lives, or go to a counselor. Mourners must grow so they appreciate life better and become closer to other people.