Estrangement at EOL
Family estrangement or cutoff is a situation where family members are cut off physically or emotionally due to conflict. The common factors found in this situation are physical distancing, a lack of positive emotional connection or trust, unsatisfactory relationships, conflict and avoidance, and a belief that there is no way to resolve the issues at hand. There are many potential causes for estrangement, and it can actually be a healthy response to a negative relationship. In some situations, however, it is an ambiguous loss, or one wherein there is some confusion over whether the person does or does not exist. This is considered the most stressful type of loss because of the inability to resolve the situation that often exists. It also carries with it a kind of disenfranchisement, as most people do not recognize the loss and therefore the mourner is unable to find closure.
Societal norms and expectations look upon estrangement harshly, as people are expected to have cohesiveness in their families. Because of this, people may hide the estrangement, leading to a heavier sense of disenfranchisement. Disenfranchisement may end up being an intergenerational issue, the problem passing down through generations. The person who caused the estrangement may not see in themselves the problem at hand.
As an example, I provide my own maternal family estrangement issue. My grandmother was an abusive narcissist whose target was her daughters, and her mother had done the same. There were always fights when I was growing up along with periods of estrangement by one or both daughters and their families. Around 2010, my mother and aunt had enough and completely cut off contact with their family of origin. I continued to stay in contact with my grandmother until 2014 when she stopped talking to me, and she insisted until that day that the problem was my mother and aunt, not her. She always thought she was right, right up to her death in December 2016. My mother and aunt were able to have closure after direct, unabbreviated, uninterrupted conversation at her before her death, and they are closer due to it – we’d all been estranged for years because of it, but now they visit and vacation with one another. Estrangement was needed for our family, and I know it is needed for many others as well, some of whom never get the opportunity to become estranged.
If you are being abused by family, you don’t have to be embarrassed if you divorce yourself of them. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they deserve special treatment – advocate for yourself whenever possible. You don’t have to forgive your abuser.
